


Detective Bunce

by Swell_fellow



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: A lil’ spicy, Baz is Disturbed, Closet Jokes, Fluff, Hickeys idk if I should mention that, Idk what I’m doing, M/M, My First Fanfic, Okay well more than a little spicy for a hot second, Secret Relationship, Simon enjoys confusing Penny, Too many gay puns, Watford Seventh Year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:08:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25304305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swell_fellow/pseuds/Swell_fellow
Summary: Simon and Baz have been secretly dating for quite a while this year at Watford. But one slip-up may have ruined their last bit of secrecy... from Penny.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 10
Kudos: 202





	Detective Bunce

** Simon **

It’s only breakfast, and Penelope is wide awake and absolutely relentless.

“What I don’t understand is why you don’t trust me, Simon.” For once I’m tired of Penny’s persistence. It’s useful when you’re fighting the Humdrum and need someone who isn’t a dumbass, but not when you have an actual secret to keep from the girl.

“I do trust you Penny,” I smile. She waits expectantly for me to continue while I finish off a scone. “But I don’t think they’re ready to tell people yet.” 

“At least give me a clue?” Penny asks hopefully. She’s been trying to find out who my elusive new  girl friend is ever since she found a spot on my neck. Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have relied on Baz to use a good concealer spell. He’s absolutely lovely, but if he had it his way I’d be proudly bruised and turtleneck free for all of Watford to see, and no one would be given the privilege to know it’s all his fault. That’s Baz, I’ve discovered. When I get embarrassed, he watches knowing it’s all his doing. He’s be proud of that too. He’s disturbed. Except now every meal has been equivalent to a full scale interrogation for the past three weeks. Penny is nothing but stubborn. She tries to analyze any hints I might give away unintentionally. Not enough though. Whenever I feel like I might let something slip, I look across the dining hall to a certain someone. (For reassurance, it’s perfectly normal)

“You’re doing that thing where you look away when you’re trying not to say something,” Penny says excitedly. “C’mon Si, can’t you say something? I’m so close to cracking you I can feel it!” She’s right, I need a reinforcement.

Baz’ eyes glare at me from across the tables. Don’t you dare tell her anything,  his eyebrows say. Crowley, I love his eyebrows. I grin at him before turning back to Penny. Maybe this can be fun, unless Baz kills me for doing what I’m about to do.

“Fine,” I act deflated. And I can practically feel his eyes boring into the back of my head. “I’ll give you some hints. But nothing about their name or anything.” Penny takes the bait. 

“Alright then,” Penny says. Her bushy hair bounces in anticipation.  


“What’s her hair color?”  _Wow Penny, that’s all you got so far?_ I hum happily.

“Very dark...well it’s black... and soft,” I say carefully. Baz normally smooths his hair back. I like it fluffy though, but Penny doesn’t need that information yet.

“Is she a seventh year like us?”

“Yes.” Penny starts to look around the room quizzically. It gives me time to turn and wink at Baz. I love it when he’s flustered. (Okay, maybe we’re both a tiny bit disturbed)

**Baz**

_What the actual fuck is he telling her? Simon better know what he’s doing to be able to outsmart Bunce._

_Wait a minute did Simon just fucking wink at me? In the dining hall filled with people? Merlin, I’m already blushing and it’s only breakfast. I’m in love with an idiot._

**Simon**

“Okay hmm...” Penny’s lost in her thoughts now.

“Have I seen both of you together before?” I laugh. The image of me casually saying, “We’ve already moved in together,” crosses my mind before I dismiss it.

“Yes, you’ve seen us together.” 

“Have I seen you together since you’ve started dating?”

“Oh yeah definitely.”

“Wait really?! Nevermind. How long’s her hair?”

“Oh it’s the perfect length,” I sigh.

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s the answer you’re getting.” Baz is practically fuming now. His face is all scrunched up like an angry kitten. Did I mention I love his eyebrows? But anyways, Penny’s still trying to hog my attention.

“How long has it been?” 

“Officially... three and a half months. Unofficially... probably a little longer than I’d like to say.” I blame myself for that. A lot of unrecognized feelings surfaced awhile ago that I tried to dismiss for a bit. But that doesn’t seem to work when we live in the same room. Penny continues.

“Does anyone else know?” Shit, why didn’t I expect that question? I freeze and Penny slams her hands on the table. My fork falls to the ground.

“Simon someone else knows and not me?” She’s absolutely livid now. A loose tiger. “Who is it? Who knows instead of me?” I have to play my cards carefully. I smile at Baz slowly, making sure Penny follows my gaze for once. Baz stares at me quizzically with a water glass in hand. I only have to cock my head the slightest towards Penny for him to finally get it. 

At last, his perfect trademark sneer. Nothing short of dramatic, Baz stands up from his seat and exits the dining hall. The doors slam and echo theatrically behind him. Ah, that beautiful dramatic prick. I can’t wait until I can get him to sit with me at breakfast. 

Meanwhile Penny practically flips the table.

“BAZ KNOWS?” Penny yells. The room is suddenly silent. A group of first years stare at Penny wide eyed in fear. No doubt they think we’re planning some sort of mission or prophecy or death-defying chosen one bullshit.

“Well it wasnt intentional,” I try to reason with a now seething Penny. “It wasn’t really planned.”  Yeah, at first.  Then the bell chimes before I’m forced to continue.

“Well Penny, we’ve got class,” I say. Penny groans, dusting crumbs of my shirt.

”The one time you’re in a hurry for class,” she mumbles. “I’ll figure it out Simon, just you wait.” 

* * *

**Baz**

We hide in our room during lunch. Apparently Simon didn’t realize how much of a pest Bunce can be when she wants information. 

“You know that Bunce can get in here easily,” I say to Simon. We’re on my bed. That’s not really important, it’s just the fact that Simon Snow is willingly on my bed with me never ceases to amaze me.

“Mm, less talking and thinking,” Simon hums and graces me with a tender kiss. That’s something I can agree with for once. 

My hands make their way to his chest. Our lips never leave each other as I unbutton his shirt. We’ve had the practice, you could say. When I finally find the warmth of his skin again I practically melt. Crowley, Simons skin could set me on fire and I would thank him for it. He even tastes like smoke. (Call me a pyro all you want, see if I care.) 

“Y’know it’s kind of your fault she even figured out in the first place,” Simon grins against my mouth. That only makes me pull him closer. We both know this in no way makes me regret the bruise that Penny discovered. It was the closest to Simons blood I let myself get. And even then I could practically taste the ambrosia under Simons skin. (He tells me I’m disturbed for that, to which I say it’s simply natural for me to notice.)

Simon tips me back onto the mattress before threading his fingers through my hair and down to my chest. 

“I think you deserve to be the embarrassed bloke for once,” he says roughly. I gasp when Simons mouth touches my neck. Bronze curls fill my thoughts until I’m unable to process anything other than fluffy curls and fiery suctions under my jaw. His hands are busy trailing down my stomach, and swiftly further down. 

“Yes,” is all I manage to gasp before my belt is whisked away. Hands find their way to the buttons and zipper before one reaches to my backside. I can’t help but sigh happily. A hand is starting to tug on my pants. I’m in heaven, and I know there’s been a mistake because I certainly don’t belong there.

“Simon?” A loud knock sounds. I freeze. _Yep, not quite heaven yet._ It’s definitely Penny, but Simon doesn’t seem to notice. 

“Simon if you don’t let me in I’ll come in myself.” Simon finally hears the knocks and goes pale inches away from my face. When I hear the door start to unlock (how does she do that?) I practically throw Simon into the bathroom with the little vampire strength I have left and slam the door. I zip up my pants and open a random book from my bedside table. When she opens the door a list of all the signs I forgot to hide rush into my head. 

  1. I’m shaking and I don’t know if it’s sudden fear or the absence of Simons warmth. 
  2. My hair is a mess. (Simon likes to fluff it up) 
  3. My shirt is halfway unbuttoned. I don’t even remember that happening. But now there’s pretty clear bruises littering my neck and collarbone for anyone to see.
  4. My belt is lying on my bed. I never leave clothes out. Even Penny should know that. 



But I don’t have time to fix any of this. Bunce is standing in the doorway. _Okay seriously though this shouldn’t be allowed to happen, how can she get in?_

“Um, hey Basil,” she says in an awkward attempt to break the silence. Then her nervous mouth quirks into a small smirk. She’s about to go full Sherlock Holmes on me, isn’t she?

“Is Simon here?” Is what she starts with. I’m betting she’s hopeful that he’s not here. That way she’ll be able to question me.

“Yes he’s in the restroom,” I reply. If she knows he’s here she won’t bother me... right? Knowing Simon’s here will stop her from grilling me about his “girl”friend. Crowley, how’d I get in this mess? I’m trying to mask my sudden anxiety by plastering on annoyance. To be fair I am actually annoyed, Bunce has interrupted a very lovely moment in my life. 

“Also please refrain from calling me Basil. That might be a little too... close.” I try to sneer, but the effect just isn’t the same if it’s not Simon. It still gets a ruse out of Bunce though.

“So hows... things?” Bunce huffs. She sits on the edge of Simons bed. Thank Merlin that I’ve gotten into the habit of moving our beds back to the other side of the room each morning. Otherwise there’d be a lot more questions than how “things” are.

“I’m just peachy,” I finally reply. Hmm, peachy. I wonder how much water Simons splashing on his face in a lousy attempt to get the color to fade from his cheeks. It won’t work, that boy is filled with blush... and blood. (Fine, I’m disturbed, happy?) 

By the time Simon opens the door I’m practically sweating through my clothes. He cautiously steps towards Penny with a strange look on his face that basically says, “Me? I wasn’t doing anything,” which is in no way convincing. 

“Hey, Si I’m sorry,” Penny starts. Damn, I’m starting to feel a little bad for her. Bunce never apologizes if she can help it. “If you and her aren’t comfortable with telling me yet that’s fine just-“ Suddenly Penny stops. “Wait why don’t you have a shirt on?” I stare at Simon in horror behind Bunce. He’s also covered in scratches and bites for good measure. Penny starts to get excited.

Fuck.

Simon becomes a sputtering mess. A couple “I’s” and “uhs’” fill the silence. I don’t blame him. I can’t even think straight enough (hah) to provide a snarky comment. Instead I hide behind the book I grabbed. She’ll figure it out any moment now, I just know it.

“Oh my god she was just here wasn’t she?” Penny squeals and I wince. Somehow her first idea is to look out the window for any random girls escaping to the roof. I cackle. Yeah, I’ve lost it.

“What?” Simon and Bunce ask in unison. Bunce is confused at my laughter. She’s ready to pounce at any venom I might spit at her. Meanwhile Simon looks a little hopeful, like I’m about to save the secrecy we’ve worked so hard to achieve. He’d be wrong. 

“She might still be in the closet,” I smirk. Simon huffs, giving up on my help. I quietly shift so there’s enough room for him to sit on my bed next to me. He doesn’t realize yet, but neither does Bunce. Instead she pauses.

“Really? Thank you Baz... I think.” She starts to shove jackets aside in Simons closet before cautiously moving to mine. 

I quietly motion for Simon to sit next to me. He grins in surprise before sitting. Simon might be a little thick, but he’s good at recognizing strategy. I can tell he know what I’m plotting. (for once)

**Simon**

I love him so much. 

**Baz**

My hand shakes a little when I reach for the one sitting on his lap. Anxiety is rolling off my shoulders in waves. He gently scoots over and takes it with a reassuring smile. With my other hand still holding a book, I kiss his rosy cheek. 

Bunce is still occupied with my closet. I don’t blame her, I keep it packed with clothes. Never any elusive girls though. Maybe we can distract her.

I sigh loudly before resting my head on Simons shoulder. 

“Actually Bunce, I think she just left Simons closet,” I say coyly. But she still hasn’t noticed.

“Baz enough,” she replies and moves into the bathroom without turning around. I’m almost ready to give up. 

“No Basil, they’re definitely still here,” Simon sighs feigning confusion. He pecks my forehead. I laugh softly into his shoulder. 

“And Simon, Love, I was under the impression that Ms. Bunce was the smart one.” That finally brings her attention back.

“Hey wait a minute I am  so  the smart o-“ Bunce is cut off in the other room. “Wait, Simon? Love-“ she falters when she finally reappears from the bathroom.

As much as it would kill to see the look on her face I resist. Instead I glue my eyes to the book. As a bit of emphasis I take my hand from Simons and turn to the next page. I can’t help but grinning when I hear the choked sound Bunce makes when I slide my hand back into his.

**Simon**

I’ve been waiting so long for him to want to tell people. Or at least Penny. The worries of hiding float away as I sneak a glance into his flawless grey eyes when he turns the page in his book. Then he interlaces our fingers again. I’m pulled towards his mouth and Pennys eyes open wide in shock. Let it be known that I might’ve kissed him first, but he did it first in front of someone else. His lips are soft and perfect, and more intimate that I could’ve hoped for. I love this man. Baz looks at me like he’s absolutely smitten. Stars and hearts practically shine in his eyes. Finally I gather the courage to pull away and look at Penny right in the eyes. 

For the first time, Penny’s the one speechless. 

My voice shakes. “You seemed to have the wrong pronouns,” I whisper across the room. Penny sits on my bed without blinking.

“Simon Snow and Basilton Pitch, just when I thought you couldn’t surprise me anymore,” she says quietly. Her round face fills with a soft smile. However the grin quickly switches to alarm.

“Wait a minute, what the hell have you done to each others necks? I’ve known for twenty seconds and you two are already disgusting.”

Baz grins. “Oops.” I kiss him again, this time longer. Maybe now he’ll eat breakfast next to me.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my first fic! It’s okay if you didn’t like some parts just comment so I can get better please :) I’m not taking this super seriously because Covid-19 has destroyed my last sense of sanity but seriously thank you! 💖✨💛


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